The Kid Has Detached and Gertie Has Recovered

In my blogging absence, much has gone down. First off, the little man became a person, a real person.

For instance, just yesterday, while I was vexatiously scrubbing Gertie paw prints off the kitchen floor, he came to me and said, "Mom, I would like to go for a scooter ride, so I'm going to go out now, okay?"

For some reason, while I was also experiencing the most horrific feeling of foreboding at the thought of this, I somehow also found it quite hilarious.I think the fact that his little brain told him to go outside, without me, was absolutely fascinating to me, since this has previously been a person who would not go to the bathroom without me for quite some time.

With visions of not sugarplums, but rather ax murderers and child molesters, dancing in my head, I in fact said, "Ah....sure. You can do that." I then commenced my 10-minute discourse on how the world may look lovely from our house up on the hill, yet down the street from our house, just past the baptist home, horrible things may be in wait. Horrible things like speeding, out-of-control cars, psychos, sociopaths, ax murders, kidnappers and rapists.

He had had an earful by the time he walked out the door, and to be honest, it was the weirdest sight, seeing him hop on his scooter and ride down the street one block, stop to talk to one of the retirement home residents sitting outside the baptist home, then come back up the street on his little red spiderman scooter, ALL BY HIMSELF.

It seems as if during the last four years he's been permanently attached, like some kind of growth on the side of my leg, yet now he has detached. I would have thought I'd be singing, "THE HILLS ARE ALIVE....." Yet, the visions of kidnappers keep this break-out-in-song from occurring.

But here's the real problem, this is what he now thinks about his mom telling him what to do all the time:



I might have a problem on my hands.

So what about my goal of having continuous child-slave labor at my disposal for the next 14 years, you ask? Well, I have somehow managed to continue to progress in this area:



Yeah for us finally getting rid of the pink dining room - stay tuned for some before and after pictures....that is....in about two months when I finally get around to finishing it.

As for our other child, she has fully recovered from her traumatic afternoon of grooming and has now decided to re-join the world. This is Gertie trying to force her way into her bed to avoid being kidnapped and returned to the dog groomer. As I'm watching this video, it suddenly seems wrong that we locked her out of her kennel-bed just to laugh at her trying to claw her way in. It's totally hilarious that after getting all her hair shaved off, she wraps her tail around her butt so we can't see her nakedness.

I don't know, you probably had to be there.

What is A Housewife and How Do I Become One????

(SPOILER ALERT: GIVEAWAY BELOW!!!!)

So, amazingly, I landed a spot on Claudine Wolk's Blog Tour with WOW! Women On Writing. Claudine is the writer of "It Gets Easier.... and Other Lies We Tell New Mothers."



Claudine sent on a copy of the book for my reading pleasure, and it was definitely a stupendous read.

I've never been one to pick up a whole lot of books on mommyhood. Actually I don't know that I've ever read one till now, five years after my initiation. I'm a little late I guess.

Anyway, the book is filled with chapters like, "What is a Housewife & How Do I Become One?"

That is too funny.

On that note, here's a somewhat funny story that I found completely revealing about my inner thoughts on housewifery. I just had my 10 year class reunion (scary) and while I was someone who vowed to never have children or even get married, here I am married with a preschooler. One of my old friends, who back then shared my thoughts on marriage and children (but who is also married now...), asked me at the reunion, "So I suppose you're a stay-at-home mom now." She said it as if "stay at home mom" was synonymous with societal outcast, or a mental patient.

My response? "Actually, I still work part time, from home, for a jury verdict publication." I realized later that I said it like I had just flung a punch right back at her. How terrible is it that I felt the need to reduce myself to throwing word punches just because I "stay at home."

In addition to step by step instructions on how to become a housewife, the book is filled with info like, if you commit the abominable sin of microwaving a bottle, make sure you shake it up real good and almost more importantly - DON"T TELL ANYONE!

I always found it so interesting that while I run a homeschooling, toxin-free, organic, on schedule, work-from-home, virtually no t.v, household, I thought it alright to microwave bottles from time to time.

From the start, when I finished nursing, I always warmed up bottles on the stove, and when we had to go somewhere, I would warm up the bottle before we left just enough so that it's warmth would correspond to the time when he would need to be fed again.

Believe me, it was quite the scientific process to make sure the bottle was still warm enough, but not too warm, when he would need the bottle again. Who knew I'd ever need a science degree.

The problem was that the kid just would not drink the bottle unless it was the perfect temperature. No matter how starving he was, he would not drink a cold bottle. As if that in itself didn't make me wanna throw something at the wall, then a friend of mine had a baby a few months later, and her kid would drink a bottle at any temperature.

I finally asked her, "How in the heck do you get that kid to drink a cold bottle?" Her response? From the very beginning, she just never offered a warm bottle. She'd keep a bottle of water and some formula-filled bottles in her diaper bag and she'd mix them up as she needed them. What a genius. Would have been nice if she would have offered up that little tip when I really needed it.

Anyway, Claudine's book really is a book after my own heart, and it's so nice to know that even some of the best mothers (see Chapter 14- The Best Mother) don't know how to play "men" on the floor. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who sucks at action-figure playtime.

My son will ask me, "Mom, can you come play Transformers with me." And before I know it, my teenage mutant ninja turtle is getting completely mauled by Optimus Prime. I just hop my guy around, pretending he's on his way home after a hard day of fighting crime, and my son thinks I'm a complete idiot.

"Mom, you're not playing right," is pretty much where the conversation ends up. Sometimes I wonder if I wouldn't rather cut off my toe.

So on to the giveaway.... it's pretty simple, just leave a comment here for your chance to win my very own copy of Claudine's book, "It Gets Easier...And Other Lies We Tell New Moms." Consider it a tactful re-gifting on my part.

I promise - it's as good as the day I got it. And after reading the previous week's post, you'll appreciate it when I say I completely disinfected the book! So, feel free to keep it for yourself or even pass it on as a baby shower gift. BUT MAKE SURE TO LEAVE YOUR COMMENT!

If you want, even include an anecdote from the trenches of motherhood in your comment. We'd love to hear it.

Claudine Wol is a columnist, blogger, speaker and mother of three. She writes humorously and speaks on all subject regarding motherhood in the 21st Century.

Check out her blog at Help4NewMoms.blogspot.com.

Visit her website at Help4NewMoms.com