Awkward photos, Things That Can Get you Pregnant and Stuff That Can Kill You, For $1000 Please!

So this last week has been a busy one, but I have still managed to make some hilarious finds on the internet and see something I never thought I'd eyewitness in this lifetime.

First off, I was cleaning out my Bookmarks in my internet tool bar (because computers have created a whole new way to clutter up your life) when I came across this site something that I think I bookmarked from Amber's site, Squash Cakes, but never really got to peruse at the time (must have been too busy, imagine that).

The site, Awkward Family Photos, has bringing hilarious laughter to my entire week.

And then, when I should have been writing my summary on the settlement case involving the guy who got sucked into the tree stump removal machine, I was instead cavorting around Yahoo! when I saw this article about the lady who got pregnant while she was pregnant. Just when you thought you were safe.......

But really, I think I agree with the skeptics, there is a much more plausible explanation, and I of course think my expert opinion should be put into the hat with all the rest....

Or then I found this article on how your shower head could be spraying bacteria. Just when you thought you were safe....

Well, never fear all you ablutophobiacs (ablutophobia is the fear of showering, by the way), Newsweek just did an article titled, "Don't Panic: Showerhead Germs Won't Kill You (Or Make You Sick).

I sure hope it's some hard earned tax dollars that are funding all these germophobe studies that ultimately all lead to one conclusion: The world is just one giant microbe, and we are powerless to stop it. I think I may have missed my calling in life; why write commentaries on tort jury verdict cases when you can swab the entire world's surfaces for a living. Stay tuned for tomorrow's headline, "Waking up in the Morning Could Kill You," oh and the day after's headline? That'll be, "Wearing Pants May Cause Your Death."

Oh, and of course I cannot forget about my promise to deliver on the one thing I never thought I'd see in this lifetime.

I don't know how it goes in your house, but most often at the end of the day I'll come out of my office and find something random just lying on the floor, sitting on the table or possibly lying in the stairway. Sometimes I think, "That squirt gun has been there for three days now, I wonder if anyone's going to pick it up?"

So I then began conducting a few experiments. Once a little green book of Kaydn Rye's sat on the ledge above the fireplace for a month and a half before I finally put it back in the bookshelf. Nobody even noticed the little green book, completely out of place on the mantel, and no one seemed to notice that it was gone either.

With my latest experiment, a nerf gun lay at the very bottom of the stairs for three days. No one tripped over it, slipped on it or otherwise noticed its presence. Deeming it to be too hazardous to remain in the experiment, with it being at the very bottom of the stairs and all, I proceeded to place it in the window sill on the stairway landing. I'd like to say that I set it there as part of the experiment, but instead I think I must have been onto another project that didn't involve going all the way up the stairs, so I just left it there for a later time when I was actually going up the stairs.

A few days went by and every once in a while I'd think about how the next time I went up the stairs I'd remember to grab that stupid nerf gun. Not long after, on a trip up the stairs with some laundry, I noticed the nerf gun was gone.

Sure enough, I looked in the toy box, and there it was. Somebody - hubby, Kaydn Rye, the dog, a squirrel - somebody, had actually thought to grab the nerf gun off of the window sill, bring it all the way up the stairs and place it in the toy box.

I was amazed and decided I am now going to pursue a government grant for my new research study on what prevents us from bending over and picking stuff off the floor. I'll let you know how it goes.



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Water leaks, Oral Surgery and the In-Laws....

We have now properly fixed the leak, have no more teeth problems and the in-laws have left.

We kicked off the weekend with a wonderful plumbing leak. Never had one of those before, but it begs the question, why do bad things, GERM-RIDDEN events, happen to good people.

I came home from, something, can't quite remember at this time, to find a little puddle of water in the kitchen next to the wall. I went through the usual questions, "Kaydn Rye, you didn't potty on the floor, did you? And Gertie, you didn't potty either did you?"

After some thought about the events of the day, Kaydn Rye officially ruled out that he had pottied on the floor and Gertie gave me a look like, "Wasn't me, man."

It was then that I looked up, and sure enough, the water was dripping down the wall. I immediately started tearing down the kitchen ceiling tiles like some kind of crazy monkey at the zoo, and realized yep, that pipe is definitely leaking.

The question then becomes, so what kind of water exactly is coming out of that pipe? I tried not to have a panic attack, wiped up the water, and stuffed a towel (now appropriately sitting in the landfill) up there until hubby could come home.

My fears were confirmed when yes, of course it would be the drain pipe from the bathroom that would be leaking. So I had a grand mixture of used sink, tub and toilet water in my kitchen.

After a few breathing exercises, I was doing alright, until hubby fully assessed the situation and concluded that the pipe would need to be snaked before we could fix it.

A plumbing "snake" as everyone calls it, seems to be an item that one should purchase, use once and then burn. But to avoid the $500 we'd probably spend on this magical piece of plumbing equipment, my husband decided to rent one from the hardware store. If only that snake could talk.....

So while he's dragging the thing up my beautiful hardwood stairway to the upstairs bathroom, I am right behind him disinfecting every surface that may or not be contaminated.

He then proceeds to rip up the toilet and snake the pipe through the toilet, and after standing in water only fit for the Teenaged Mutant Ninja Turtles, he then thinks he's going to walk down the basement to see if he made it through the entire pipe with the snake.

My immediate reaction to this?

STOPPPPPPPP! WHAT IN THE WORLD DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?? YOU HAVE CROSSED INTO THE CONTAMINATION ZONE AND NOW YOU CANNOT LEAVE WITHOUT SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE!

I don't know what disturbs me more, the fact that his feet were covered in toilet germs, or the fact that he was okay with just walking down the stairs, through the kitchen and down to the basement while defiling the entire house with toilet water.

But the toilet was in the tub and he made it clear that he was not going to try and wrangle each of his 100 pound legs in the bathroom sink to hose them off.

I think he used some choice phrases including the words, "Crazy, need therapy, little blue pills, psycho," or something along those lines.

But we ended up fixing the problem with some $7 goop at the hardware store and the contamination zones have now been purified.

Then the in-laws came. I have taken more time off of work this summer to galavant that I was in no position to take any more time off, so it was pretty boring around here. Nothing much to see except me sitting at the computer writing about jury verdicts in botched tummy tuck cases. Pretty exciting stuff.

And just when the in-laws were on their way back to Idaho and Kaydn Rye was all nestled into his preschool routine so that I could actually have a few hours to myself after a summer rife with moments in which Kaydn Rye literally sat with his elbows on my desk, watching, and waiting for me to be done with work for the day so we could "go play," well, that's when I get a call from hubby that went something like this:

"Um, I saw the dentist for my toothache, I'm in Minot (55 minutes away) at the oral surgeon office and they're going to need to put me out for surgery, so you're going to have to come get me cause I won't be able to drive."

My response, "It's just a tooth pulling, can't you just get some novocaine and be good to go?"

Needless to say, that didn't go over well and I ended up making the hour trek to town to load up hubby, who was mumbling something about driving a bobcat or a tractor or something. Not sure what was going on there. He was pretty happy though, apparently the drugs made him forget all about the screaming incident in the bathroom with the toilet water.

Actually the tooth pulling went well. You just never know with hubby, he'll maybe say, "the pain is like a 9 one the pain scale," but really, what is a 9, in his mind exactly? For all I know his 9 is maybe more like a 2, you just never can know. But I made sure he took at least the minimum dosing of his vicodin (who gets a vicodin prescription for a measly tooth pulling anyway??) so that I wouldn't be awake all night with his pain moanings. And I was perfectly honest in telling him that I needed him to take the pain medication not for his own sake but for mine, I was going to sleep that night, and I was going to sleep good. And I did, and it felt good. I went to bed that night with all the hope of a new day with no interruptions, no teeth pulling, no water leaks and no decontamination procedures.




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So How Do We Change the World?

So I haven't driven off the face of the earth, which wouldn't take much, considering I live in the middle of nowhere North Dakota, not far from the official end of the face of the earth. Seriously though, I think I actually saw myself going out the door the other day.

Here's a recap of what's been happening around here. Kaydn Rye now speaks in my language, with sayings like, "Okay, here's the deal, here's how this is going to work." Yep, pretty scary, he now tells me how things are going to all go down.

And just the other day while we were waiting in the newspaper office Kaydn Rye stood at the counter and asked, "So how do we change the world?"

Uh, (blank stare) we be kind to absolutely everyone we meet and (blank stare) tell as many people we can about how much Jesus loves them? Does that about cover it? I don't know that I've ever done anything to change the world, oh, except that I introduced another person into it.

So then we get home and he notices all the big kids playing across the street and he says, "So I think I'm going to be five now." As opposed to four-and-a-half, of course.

"Maybe then I can beat Austin and be older than him." Like age is a race we can win.

I of course told him that we cannot control how old we are.

"Yeah, cause only Jesus can control how old we are, cause Jesus controls the world."

He is indeed a very smart boy. He has figured out the key to the meaning behind the entire universe, THAT JESUS CONROLS THE WORLD." There, I've done my job, he figured it out, now he's ready for his own apartment across town.




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